In 1998, I was 19 and living in the barracks on an Air Force Base in Las Vegas, NV. I got off of work on a friday night and had no plans, so I got my bottle of jack daniels out of my locked closet, poured myself a glass, and was sitting in my room in my camo pants, boots, and t-shirt. I’m about halfway through the glass when my phone rings, it is my buddy Bill. The convo goes like this…
Bill: “What are you up to tonight?”
Josh: “Just relaxing, having a drink.”
Bill: “Can you do me a favor? I’m trying to set up a date for tonight, but this girl needs a date for her friend.”
Josh: “Uhh…I don’t know.”
Bill: “Please, as a friend.”
Josh: “Dude, that ain’t even fair…but okay”
Bill: “Okay,let me call you back”
About 15 minutes later he calls me back.
Bill: “Okay, we are gonna meet them at the 7-11 across from base at 7:30″
Josh: “dude, why don’t we just meet wherever we are going?”
Bill: “Cuz I haven’t met these girls, but they’re both blondes!”
At that time my “oh, fucking shit” filter goes up
Josh: “Bill, how do you know these girls?”
Bill: “I met my date on a party line. She sounds really cute.”
Josh: “Fuck this dude, I’m out. no fucking way.”
Bill: “Please dude, I need this. I’ll buy you a 12er”
Right there he started speaking my language, so I agreed. So Bill and I rally up 5 minutes before meet up time and the girls are running late. I ask him “what kind of car are they gonna be in?” he says “a mustang”. We are inside the gas station, I’m grabbing a soda and about 10 minutes after the meet up time I see the mustang pull up…its about 15 years old and beat up.
What I see are two girls who could be described as actual size, which in my terms means “holy shit! she’s actually THAT size?”. I tell Bill “dude, let’s just jet now and save ourselves this” but he is too nice of a guy. We meet the girls…his was about the size of a full size fridge…my “date” was very thick, 5 lbs. from being fat. We do intros, and decide we’ll all carpool down town, so Bill and I are crammed into the back of the mustang. I’m trying to be cordial, so I spark up some conversation.
Josh: “What kind of music do you ladies like?”
Fatty1: “Oh, we like ghetto rap and country”
Josh: “what the fuck?”
Josh: “What do you ladies like to do?”
Fatty2: “well, we go to school, work, and spend the rest of our free time at the gym”
I was meaning to be quiet and whisper something to Bill, but I had about 8 ounces of jack daniels in my system and I apparently said loud enough for them to hear.
Josh: “What do they do? Go to the gym, eat power bars and watch other people work out?”
I was half drunk and duped into a bad situation, so we go out to this restaurant in the venetian hotel & casino. At the restaurant I order these tacos, and the frickin’ tacos come on these silver dollar tortillas. fucking tiny. the waiter comes around and the following convo ensues:
Waiter: “Can I get you anything else?”
Josh: “The rest of my tacos!”
Waiter: “Would you like another order?”
Josh: “No, I would’ve liked an order that feeds someone over the age of four.”
The rest of the “date” goes terribly, and we get back to our vehicles. Bill is exchanging home phone numbers with his gal. I jump out of the mustang, hop into my Bronco, and peel out of the parking lot and back to my barracks room. Bill calls me at home later.
Bill: “Why did you leave so fast?”
Josh: “My time visiting with the attraction at seaworld was over”
Bill: “But she liked you, and wanted your number”
Josh: “If I was in to fat chicks, I’d pick them up outside of jenny craig. fuck off.” and I hung up.
I went back to my bottle of jack daniels and my night ended as it started…and how it would have stayed if I had used half an ounce of sanity to go with the 16 ounces of Jack Daniels I consumed that night.
